On Second Thought....

Over the last three weeks I have been trying desperately to find the words to describe what has been going on with Imagine Adoption. Some days, I begin a post and talk about my anger and in the next second my anger turns to fear and then only a moment later, fear to sadness, then sadness to hope, to guilt and then fear, then hope, then anger and so on. What else can I do than walk away from the monstrosity of a post about nothing? How do you write a single post about all of the events when you are so confused about how you feel? Today, I have decided that all of those emotions are valid. I feel all of these things and I will indulge each as I concentrate all my efforts on the hope.

Anger

Anger comes in abundance. I am angry. I am angry that a world exists where one country who loves so deeply can have 6 million orphans. I am angry that there is not more for me to do. I am angry because for once in my entire life I gave up control not only of the situation but of my emotions, only to have it backfire. I am angry that we are not parents yet. I am angry that I have to deal with constant ignorance from the general population about international adoption and that if I utter a word of anger towards that ignorance everything I am saying has lost its validity. I am angry that I feel it is my job to educate the dumbass uneducated instead of having the guts to slam their heads into a wall like I really want to do. I feel invaded. Like someone broke into my house and stole all my underwear. Totally and utterly violated!

Fear

What if the baby girl that was meant for us is lost somewhere in the system and being strangled by the red tape? What if she is hungry? What if she never finds her way home? What if we never become parents? What if we made the wrong choice? What if people get fed up with my constant talking about the adoption and never want to listen? What if the media forgets about us? What if the ministry forgets about us? What if Ethiopia forgets about us? What if

Sadness

Poor me.

Guilt

Poor Darryl. He is so sweet, so kind and he deserves the best this world has to offer and I hate to watch him sad. Did I do this to him? Did I do this to our parents? Did I talk him into Zambia? If we hadn't have chosen Zambia our Amara would have been home by now.
If I had just researched a little more. Thought it through a little more. Asked more questions. Been more religious. Not smoked. Not have had those thoughts about the woman who yelled at me for parking in the reserved parking. If I had not told the entire world that this baby was going to join our family and we would love her and kiss her and raise her and give her boundaries, would it have come true then?

Incredible HOPE & LOVE

I am love with strangers. Totally and utterly in love. I feel like these people who have not laid down to die but instead risen up, as a collective, to fight for our children are my friends. In doing this these strangers have inspired me in more ways than they could ever know. In three weeks we have organized a steering committee, written proposals, achieved the national attention of the media, of the provincial government, of our federal government, and of our country. We have voted unanimously!!! Un-an-i-mous-ly!!!! What an overwhelmingly wonderful feeling. I am proud to be the smallest part of this assemblage. I really feel like things will work out. Did I say that out loud? We shall wait to see what happens in two or three weeks. Until then we hope!