Double-Edged Sword

Today I have both good and bad news. Our Homestudy report was submitted via fedex to the Ministry of Ontario. This is a huge accomplishment for Darryl and I. We are very proud that we have made it through this tough step. I plan to make a nice dinner to celebrate as we worked hard to get to this point. I know, you are probably wondering what the bad news is. Well, once the report gets to the right people in the Ministry, it typically takes about 2-4 weeks to get the approval to go ahead and move to the next step. This is the timeline we were originally quoted. We had a little upset today when we were told that the Ministry has changed their turnaround time to 10-12 weeks. AHHHHH I guess it isn't an aweful thing, and it could be worse, it is just so hard to keep positive when things seem to get harder and harder. On one of the blogs that I follow, a woman wrote of her experience as torturous because it is like being pregnant with a due date that is constantly changing. I try to look at it positively - well now we have more time to prepare, to pick a name, to dream of her, to live our last moments as just a couple with no children and to enjoy that time. It is hard to keep positive but I know that I have to.

I have a little problem with sleeping lately. My mind swirls with images of our daughter that isn't born yet. I think about the moment we will meet her, the moment we will introduce her to our extended family, the flight over to Zambia and all the feelings I will be feeling on that plane. My mind runs in circles thinking of all the possibilities and all the wonderful years we have ahead of us. Darryl is going to be such a wonderful dad. He already is really. He supports me in such an amazing way and I am so lucky to have him. I picture him taking our girl to the park or her helping daddy shovel the driveway. The problem doesn't stop at falling asleep either. I can't wake up in the morning because my dreams are so wonderful that I don't want to let them go, by getting my ass out of bed and facing my day. I wish that I could spend all my time in my private thoughts because I would essentially be spending that time with her.

The circles don't stop with sleep either. I spend my days trying very hard to think of something other than this baby.

I consiously make an effort to take notice of my surroundings because then maybe something will trigger a thought about something other than this adoption and then maybe that thought will last for 5 minutes and then at the end of that five minutes, I will be 5 minutes closer to having her.
Today, as I drove in my little car past the bustop, I made myself think of the how aweful it is to have to stand in the winter weather and wait for the bus that is delayed because of the very weather those people are standing in. I thought to myself "good, that was 3 minutes of thought and I am 3 minutes closer to her". Immediately, I thought of our daughter as a teenager or environmentaly concious adult, standing at the bustop in the weather that triggered my thought in the first place. Goddess, it is a vicious cycle. I might need to be institutionalized by the end of this.

So we face a very long 10 - 12 weeks of waiting. Any suggestions about what to do in that time would be very helpful.