And we are in week 17 (almost 18) and- I know - I promised. I was going to keep positive. I just can't. I know "don't let me here you say such a bad word". That is what my mother always told me when I said "I can't" as if can't is another word for "F***" or "S***". Well, mum. Wake-up call!!!!!!! - I CAN'T do this anymore. I am sad and surrounded by happiness, I am alone and surrounded by love. I was not made for this. I can tell you that right now. This is not me!!! What in the world would ever give me the idea that I could possibly wait for goddesses know how long for a child? What would ever give me that idea? I can hardly wait for a pizza to be cooked. I am just not a waiting kind of person. I always pace back and forth in front of the oven, switching the oven light on and off 18 times in the 11.5 minutes it takes to cook a thin crust pizza. Don't trust the box - it is NOT 13 minutes. See - who said I wasn't maternal? By my definition, if you know EXACTLY how long it is going to take to cook a frozen, thin crust pizza, you are half way to motherhood already! The worst part is, if I know the exact amount of time to cook the damned pizza, why in the world would I ever pace? Why not use the 11.5 minutes to throw in a load of laundry, make the phone calls I've been avoiding, shave my legs? So, on one hand I am so maternal because I know the timeline of cooking a pizza, and on the other hand, I cross out the fact that I know the timeline by not making good use of that 11.5 minutes and running around my house multi-tasking my little heart out. What kind of mother will I be?
And here I am in the centre of an international adoption, with no answers, with no timelines, and I am pacing through life as if I have taken an excessive amount of speed or something.
Disturbing, but true, story to display just how LUNATIC/at the end of my rope I have become. Every morning I am late for work (only because I can't get out of bed because I dream of Amara while sleeping and it is like I am with her (although faceless) and don't want to get up because that will mean I have to leave her for another day). As a result of being late, there are never any parking spots left so I end up parking in "reserved" parking without a "reserved" pass. Well, last night I was walking to my car, very glad the day was over, and there was this old lady (about 80) with dyed red, thinning hair and big, black sunglasses in an underground parking lot, standing by my car. When I approached she said "Is this your car?". I responded while rolling my eyes "yes" - doesn't she know I don't need this Can't at this point in my life? She said, "do you know this is reserved parking and you don't have a pass" as if she was the parking attendant, as if there weren't other, closer reserved spots for her to park in. Well, here is where the disturbing part comes in because WITHOUT Hesitation, as if I had no control over my mouth, as if my mother never taught me to respect my elders, as if I had lost my mind, I very calmly said "Do you know what I think you need, ma'am? A little per spec tive. The polar bears are almost extinct, there are millions of people a day dying of starvation - STARVATION - the HIV/AIDS epidemic is bigger than it has ever been and people are suffering because they can't get medical aid, the world is running out of clean water - and rice - and that same AIDS crisis is causing a huge street-kid problem in most areas of Africa, and there are homeless people on the streets of Toronto begging and no one is listening, the climate is so messed up my grandchildren will suffer for it, and I HAVE. A. ZIT. ON. MY. ASS. THE. SIZE. OF. TEXAS AND YOU, MA'AM, ARE CONCERNED. ABOUT. THE. GOD DAMNED. PARKING. SPACE.
And with that I got in my car and drove away leaving her standing there stiff in body and speechless. I TOLD YOU, I AM NUTS - WITH TWO Ts - NUTTS!!!
All I can say at this point is thanks for listening and hopefully we will get an update next week!
Have a good weekend!
4 comments:
Did you feel better after that Andrea LOL....Waiting is the hardest thing. Like you said, you may feel alone, but remember you are surrounded by people that love you.
Hope you have a great weekend.
Kimmy
I wish I could have witnessed that! (Pat says to quit picking on little old ladies...maybe he's never had a zit on his ass the size of Texas and doesn't realize how it can ruin a perfectly good week!! lol)
And just think...the waiting is torture, but you haven't gotten the phone call yet because someone up there is picking out the most perfect, beautiful, loving little girl made to fit into only yours and Darryl's arms. She will come and you won't even remeber the waiting, you will just know that the excruciating wait was the perfect amount of time for her to be ready to become a part of your family. Keep your spirits up...sigh...and who cares if you're late for work, keep dreaming and holding your little girl.
Andrea i am laughing so hard right now i am crying.
All of us reach the end of our rope and unfortuniatly for that lady that was your end....lol but i do have to say you probaly gave her ALOT to think about and she will tell a good many people about your story....if she can remember it.lol
On a more serious note. i am NOT going to tell you to just relax or that everything will happen fast cause we all know that this is something that takes time. Maybe more time then you (and all of us) want.
YOU are going to be a fabulous mother and this experience will help you be the parent you have always wanted to be. You will be a mother who takes all her wisdom that her mother taught her and inbed it in your little girl. And Im sure one day when she decides to do the same as you (adopt) she will be able to relive your story of how you received your beautiful little girl. which she will be truly grateful to have be givin such a beautiful mother and father!
so please keep on smiling and dont forget to lose it once in a while we all are allowed "once in a while" to go NUTTS( as you would put it).
Keep dreaming of your little girl and hold her close and one day this dream will end with her in your and darryls arms.
we love you guys and wish you guys all the best in this life experience!
BJ, Jim, Jorja< & Syd! xxoxoxo
LOL LOL LOL!!!! Thank goodness for Darryl that you got it out on some lady worried about a darn parking spot! Some people have nothing better to do. You probably got it all out haha! You know Annie... once you have your little Amara and life is crazy and no time to get anything done is when you learn how to multi-task! It's amazing what you can do in 10 minutes! You'll see. How can you ever compare yourself to us mothers who ALEADY have children! You are waaaaaaay to hard on yourself. I don't believe that being a mom comes naturally... I believe that we all have to start somewhere and one day at a time. We learn as we go. Maybe we're just good at making it look good in front of people haha! What shows the most is the love that we have for our children. You already have so much love for your little girl and she isn't even here yet. Not to mention your friends and family... look at how much you care for your friends and what you do for them!!!! I know!! You are one of the best friends that anyone could have and that is only the start. You have so much to offer and so much to learn yes but we all do and still do!! UH OH.... ahhhh.... Colton is up and probably waking up Graidon from his nap!! LOL We're always thinking of you... unfortunately we don't always have the time to express it as much as we should but we do!! Hang in there... you're little girl will be here and then you will look back on this moment as a memory. Love you!! Can us any time!! OK... better get to them!!!
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