Country Switch

To my friends and family,

It is with extremely mixed emotions that I write this today.

I am walking through the day today feeling paralyzed as if I live in some other world and I am looking down on those around me. Things are happening all around me but strangely, I don't actually feel like I am a part of those things. Darryl and I have received some SHIT news this week from the Zambian government who is insisting on a new 6 month stay in Zambia after we receive our baby referral. I found this out on Wednesday and we went into a total tailspin. Darryl and I have shed too many tears over this country. We have loved a daughter that wasn’t ours YET. We have loved a country that has shown us little respect. The extra 3 month stay was added as they would like to complete a homestudy on their end meaning I would live there (Darryl would stay home) for 3 months while they watched me be a mother the entire time. This was too terrifying to me and too risky. I also couldn't imagine Darryl crawling into bed every night for 6 months without me or Amara. It broke my heart as I know that our referral would be given in the next couple of weeks or so but I wrote the agency today and pulled our application out of Zambia.

We were so close - so close. I feel NUMB and paralyzed and tormented at the thought of starting again. I am completely confused and will be really pissed if we made the wrong choice. I feel completely lost and sad and fed up with the whole damn baby thing and I feel really, truly RIPPED OFF.

We have decided to switch programs to Ethiopia. To all of you who have loved me and supported us through this, it will be hard to adjust to. It is so hard for us. This means that we start again (with no money lost - not one dollar) but we go to the back of the line and it will be at least one year until she is home. The Ethiopia program is stable and safe. 12000 people adopted this year alone and my agency has been there for 5 years. I feel safer this way than any other option at this point. This program has a really strong support system with lots of people waiting. We will need to be in Ethiopia 10-14 days NO LONGER as all of the work is done before we go.

So here we are, facing at least another long year and sad and disappointed and excited and happy and hopeful still. Ethiopia is a beautiful country with wonderful people and a great program. We are happy to be adopting from there. Plus, it comes with a whole bunch of supportive people who have adopted from there or are waiting for their children - which is a plus (I have always been jealous of those people). But the guilt about leaving our first baby behind is eating me up on the inside. Plus, we loved her (or the idea of her) and now we need to change that. I am pretty destroyed.
I know we will love Ethiopia too. I already admire its peoples and culture. I am excited to begin this journey. With the Zambian program I was becoming anxious all the time, and well, a complete nut job. But now, we can take a break, breathe and not think about this adoption for another 6 or 7 months until we get a referral. I am confident that this is the right decision for us and our families.

With each baby lost, Darryl and I fall more in love. He is so supportive and admirable that I can't help but fall more in love with that sweet soul of his. He is truly my best friend. We have shed too many tears until now soooooooooo.....

We are going to Cuba! Not booked yet but Jan 11 we are headed to Cuba with my sister and her man. I am not going to lie. There will be A LOT of booze and nicotine. And when I come home my head will be clear, I will quit smoking (cause who wants to be a smoking mum) and I will enjoy the rest of the winter without waking up each day thinking, is today the day?