Ok, I know this sounds really cheesy but I hear it - her heartbeat. I hear it at night mostly. I lay in my bed and I shut out the surrounding world and I listen. I listen to her heartbeat that is physically around the world but here with me each day.
I have always imagined feeling her little heart on my chest as she falls asleep. I've imagined feeling it while laying in the bath with her. I've imagined feeling her heart beat while I console her in my arms and take all her fears and pain away. I've imagined feeling her heart beat while I lay on the couch playing with her listening to her baby belly laughs. I have always imagined feeling her little heart beat. That has never changed.
In the 7 months we have been waiting for a referral, I have always felt it. I guess, in my head now, I know she is alive and without me although we have yet to receive a referral. I know because my own selfish "I want my baby" attitude has slowly and tangibly changed to "I am so worried about her" "We are missing our experiences together" kind of fears. I just know and so now it has escalated. I can actually hear her heartbeat! It is like the greatest musical classical piece live, on stage, in my ears. It is like the sounds of spring, birds chirping, lawn-mowing, kids playing in the street music. I know you all think I am a complete and utter nut job at this point. We are connected, Amara and I. I know because I hear her heartbeat.
Things should be moving soon people. Can't give you much more detail however, I can feel it.
P.S. if you are in the 519 area code, please do not call my home or blackberry or work number - well - just don't call me. That is the area code my agency is in and every time one of Darryl's cousin's, etc. calls I almost pass out thinking it is our referral call. AHHHH.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
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4 comments:
It is SO exciting knowing that things will be happening. I am definitely expecting to hear referral news for others any time now, and will be so happy to keep waiting a bit longer for ours knowing that this is real!
You're not crazy...your baby's heartbeat is the first connection you have with them before you are able to hold them in your arms. There is no reason why it should be any different with you and Amara. She is waiting for your love just as you and Darryl are waiting to surround her with your love, she just doesn't have to suffer the FRUSTRATION!!
Oohhhh, I hope things move for you soon!
I still have a hard time getting calls from a 519 area code - I usually hang up feeling pretty mad!
Hi!
I wanted to come in and formally introduce myself. I'm K1 from the Two Kayaks blog. As the new clicker for Lost and Found Connections Abound, I will be checking in with you often and reporting on your behalf. We are in process for China and know how difficult the wait can be.
Thinking of you as you wait with hope for news. <3
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