Thank You

I have never in my whole life felt like I do now. As supported and loved. I have received and read about a million emails, comments on facebook, messages and even flowers. I am so grateful to know that people understand how hard this was for us. I am most grateful for people's stories. I have heard many stories this week about other people going through the same thing and it does help to put things into perspective, to know that there are others out there who get it.

This is why I love blogging.

Darryl and I are still having a pretty hard time with the whole thing. I, more than any other feeling, feel a lot of guilt. Darryl too. I have been having nightmares about holding this child with her face as clear as day, and then voluntarily handing her back to a nanny. I scream and cry and fall in anguish to my knees but, in the end it was my decision and i live with that everyday. I used to have nightmares of them ripping her out of my arms but these are worse.

It's funny though. All of a sudden I am getting more done in a day than I have in the entire last six month period. I can work out without giving up in the first 2 minutes (instead I can last a whole 5). I have spent more money and not because it is some sort of therapy but because we haven't been able to spend one dime in the last year that we needed clothes, new makeup, a trip to cuba, a new truck - you know - a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do - he he. I guess my point here is although I feel sad and guilty and defeated, I am also feeling a lot relieved. There is no more torture of the Zambian program on a daily basis. Relieved, i feel relieved.

So, we have started the Ethiopian process already. We had a meeting with our homestudy practitioner on the weekend and he compiled and updated our paperwork which was resent on Monday to the Ministry of Ontario for reapproaval. Fingers Crossed that everything goes well there. Wow, things move fast at the beginning. I forgot about that. Now it is all coming back to me. Once we receive approval our dossier will be sent to Ethiopia to be translated and we will then be waiting for a referral. Only this time we KNOW it is going to take a long time and we are ok with that.

Meanwhile, we have been looking for all the positives that the choice to switch to Ethiopia brings because we want to fall in love with this country and culture and our decision. Here is a list of things we have come up with:

+ Cheaper - is is much cheaper to fly and stay in Ethiopia than it is Zambia. Good news (hence the new truck)

+ Will only travel for 10-14 days which means we may even be able to add a tour around Ethiopia before we get our child - Yippi - we shall see

+ I can share more of the adoption details with you guys. With the Zambian adoption everything was hush, hush. We had to be extremely careful about what we wrote on the public internet. Ethiopia is a little different. They are more tolerable about what we write however still need to filter a little.

+ The wait is longer but the program is STABLE - JUST LIKE ME - STABLE.

+ We have friends who are Ethiopian who can teach us and help to teach our daughter plus, we have been to Ethiopian weddings, etc. so we know about the culture - a little.

+ There is a much bigger Ethiopian community in Toronto than there is Zambian. This means we have more access to restaurants, language lessons, dance, etc. than we did in the Zambian program.

+ We can take some time for ourselves - people keep saying that to us so I guess this would be a good thing - the only thing is, we have had all the time in the world to ourselves lately that it almost seems that we, as a couple, are lonely.

+ More time to quit smoking - UMMMMM

+ Going to Cuba - did I mention that already?

+There are so many reasons that adopting from Ethiopia is necessary - will get into those in another post.

Thanks again everyone!!!