Lost and Found

A year ago this month I lost my baby. I wasn't too far along. I was only 11 weeks. It still felt the way the other, later miscarriages felt. It still left me feeling physically and emotionally empty. I still mourn the loss of that child. I loved that baby, protected him/her with my body and my soul. I was a mum, for 11 short weeks that child needed me. And I needed that child. This month, I honor his/her life. He/she would have been 5 months old.

I have had some people comment about how this adoption is a great "backup" plan as if adopting a child is second best. I don't feel that way at all. I know that other's who are adopting have had these same comments and experiences. If I woke up tomorrow and "they" told me I couldn't have Amara I would lose my mind. I would grieve the loss of her. I would go through emotional torment the same way as the miscarriages. I would probably put my ass on a plane headed towards Zambia, just to be close to the idea of her. I love this baby that isn't "ours" yet. I love her as if she was growing in my womb. I know, because I have had children in my womb and the feeling was the same.

I can get pregnant- quite easily actually. I need some help with keeping our children safe, but I can carry a child to term. At least that is what the doctors say. We are adopting a baby. One has nothing to do with the other. We will have a biological baby (hopefully - nothing is assumed) and we will have Amara. Those are the facts people.

This month I think of our children lost and I remember our first homestudy appointment. We met with this horrible woman who told me that I wasn't over the miscarriages and that I shouldn't be adopting right now - as if she knew that in the 2.5 minutes she had known me. She warned me that if I got pregnant while in the process to adopt, we would have to stop the adoption (which has done nothing great for our sex life since then!). I wish people would think about what they were going to say before they say it! She asked me how I would feel about having to stop the adoption. I told her that I would celebrate the child in my womb but would mourn the loss of the child in my heart. She told me that was cold and that that answer seriously concerned her. She said that my biobaby would suffer because of my "attitude". She bluntly told me (whilst I was hysterically crying) to come back in 6 months and see where we were. We left and called our agency who informed us that we can switch practitioners, a fact I was unaware of at the time. That was the last time I saw that horrible woman. I wish I could see her now. I wish she could see us.

I am terrified about this adoption. There are so many "what ifs". I am terrified we will lose this baby. But this month, I think of all of our babies lost. I think of our baby soon to be found. I celebrate all of their lives.